


Red poppies blooming (If only they were flowers)

by ScorpionMauve



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bruises, Canon Compliant, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Not porn, Panic Attacks, Violence, Xenophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:40:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28290081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpionMauve/pseuds/ScorpionMauve
Summary: Yuta could only shut up and endure the hits, the violations of his body by the manager who had been entrusted with their care. How long would this keep going on ? Until he died ?The only positive he could see through his fear and disgust of himself was that he was a good enough actor that his members had no idea this was happening, right ?Right ?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	Red poppies blooming (If only they were flowers)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction, I don't condone any of this, this isn't a kink.  
> This is how someone gets beaten down and broken, what rape and constant abuse can do to a person.

Something was wrong with Yuta. However, when Mark finally realised that , it was already way too late. The older man had always been very clingy towards him, wrapping around Mark in tight hugs, trying to hold his hand, to plant kisses on his face. Mark didn’t exactly dislike the attention, but it just got a bit much sometimes. 

That all meant that when Yuta stopped doing it as often, Mark just thought that he had respected his wishes and dialled it back a bit. As Mark basked in his newfound freedom of movement, he didn’t once consider the fact that Yuta had completely cut off the skinship, way more than what Mark had asked of him.

It was only when Jungwoo asked Mark if he and Yuta had fought that he thought about it. Coincidentally, it was why he noticed that he couldn’t quite remember when the last time Yuta had hugged him was. It had to have been a month and a half ago, at least. 

The following night, as Mark laid awake in bed waiting for sleep, his mind went back to Yuta. He hadn’t seen that much out of their common schedules for a while. He was always at the company these days. 

Mark knew what it was like, it came with being an idol. Sometimes you got really busy and you lived like a zombie for a while because you were too exhausted by the responsibilities piled up on your shoulders. The practices, the public appearances, the promotions, the photoshoots, the recordings, the TV shows.

Except that, when he thought about it a bit more deeply, Mark realized that Yuta had been spending a lot of time at the company for longer than these zombie periods usually lasted. There also wasn’t, at least from what he knew, a reason for it. Yuta hadn’t been cast in a movie, or a series, nor was he preparing solo projects. 

Then why was this happening ? How come Mark hadn’t noticed ? He would have gone and asked Yuta about it right then and there, but he remembered that the man was, once again, not home. He made a point to keep an eye on him the next day, as he fell asleep.

Mark forgot about it until the following evening, during dance practice. He had been monitoring his movements in the mirror to catch if something looked awkward when his eyes caught Yuta’s reflection.

The older man was standing a bit further back, watching whatever Doyoung and Haechan were up to. It wasn’t a strange occurrence, but the angle at which his head was turned made glaringly obvious the new hollowness in his cheeks. Had Yuta always had cheekbones this prominent ? 

“Yuta hyung !”

He called out, turning around. Yuta’s almond eyes snapped to Mark, almost too quickly. He rolled his shoulders, unsettled, before he asked what had just been disrupting his thoughts.

“Are you on a diet ?”

Yuta’s eyelids fluttered as a slight frown wrinkled his forehead.

“I’m not. Why ?”

Strange. Mark brushed it off by saying that he had just been wondering. He congratulated himself on being great at acting inconspicuous. He sneaked up to Johnny, asking him if he had noticed anything off with Yuta, but the older man answered negatively. Something felt very wrong and Mark had no idea where to begin unraveling it.

From that day on, he paid more attention to Yuta and the way he acted when they were in the same room. During times when they were being filmed, he acted fine, but as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, he retreated. It was clear he was exhausted, but weren’t they all ? That couldn’t be it, or at least not the only problem. 

Mark grew increasingly concerned, but there was so much to do that he couldn’t really find more time to investigate. He couldn’t help thinking about it. Was it his fault ? Was that why Yuta had stopped being so close to him ? 

There was a time when it bothered Mark so much that he woke up during the night, and thoughts of Yuta hating him plagued his mind. He didn’t even think as he reached for his phone and stood up in the dark. He went to knock on the door of the bedroom Yuta shared with Taeil. Opening it after he got no answer, he peeked inside.

The man he had been looking for was missing. Was he at the company again ? That couldn’t be healthy, what was he doing there ? Mark looked down at his phone. It was three thirty in the morning. 

His fingers found the little phone icon next to Yuta’s contact on their own. He only realised when he heard the beeping of the line trying to connect, obnoxiously loud in the quiet apartment.

“Hello ?”

Yuta. Mark almost felt tears rise at the sound of his voice. God, why was he so emotional ?”

“H-hey hyung.”

He stuttered pathetically. He cleared his throat in hopes of dissipating the strange tightness there.

“Sorry to bother you if you’re busy, I was just, I just noticed you weren’t home and-”

Why was he rambling now ? He just needed to get to the point. Yuta was silent on the other side of the line.

“Do you hate me ?”

Mark finally spilled out, unable to hide the tremor in his voice. He almost wanted to hang up right now and not hear the answer, in fear of it being positive. Why wasn’t Yuta answering ?

“I don’t hate you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I do.”

The relief that filled Mark didn’t do much to battle off the new questions in his mind. What was the reason for his weird behaviour then ? How come he was speaking so formally to Mark ? Why did everything feel so strange ? 

Mark jumped in place, legs locking when he heard a shout. It came from Yuta’s side, though, and he didn’t miss the hitch in his friend’s breath.

“I have to go, sorry I took your flash drive, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun ? Jaehyun was in his room, not anywhere near Yuta. How tired was he ? Mark was about to ask when Yuta hung up, the loud tone cutting through the start of another shout. A shiver racked through Mark’s body. He felt so cold. It all felt wrong.

He stumbled back to Yuta and Taeil’s door, pushing it open with a soft creak. It clicked behind him, rousing the eldest member from his sleep.

“What are you doing ?”

Voice hoarse, he had recognized Mark’s footsteps. Or maybe he had just heard his voice, right there in the living room.

“Don’t mind me, go back to sleep.”

Mark whispered back as he padded over to Yuta’s bed. Taeil all too happily followed the order, turning back to face the wall again, and fell promptly back into dreamland. When Mark settled under Yuta’s blanket, he breathed out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding.

Yeah, maybe it was gross that they only changed their sheets once a month, but it at least meant that the linen was well permeated with their scent. Sure, it didn’t help the disgusting part of it, but it very much helped Mark calm down as the familiar smell wrapped around him. He hadn’t smelled it in so long and he hadn’t even realised it. 

Mark curled up in a ball around one of Yuta’s pillows, trying to keep his tears from wetting the bedding. He couldn’t control it as he fell in a dreamless sleep, considerably less agitated than the first part of it. He slept completely unaware of the nightmare Yuta was living.

Yuta panted against the floor, cheek firmly pressed against the painfully hard wood. He was breathing in dust, he could feel it on his tongue, but if only that had been the only thing… The pain, the fear, the anger, the disgust, all of those were much more prominent in his brain. 

He was trying his best to tune out the manager’s voice as it spewed insult after insult at him. Yuta had heard it all before, coming from the same mouth, in the same situation. It wasn’t always the practice room floor though, sometimes it was a recording studio couch, or a conference room table.

It always felt just as dehumanizing and disgusting to him. He could never bring himself to look at those places without feeling sick for days afterwards. 

After the first time it had happened, his knees had buckled at the memory. Seeing his best friends comfortably sit in the exact spot where he had been torn apart and violated barely half a day earlier made him choke. He had to run to the nearest bathroom, pretending to have an emergency, only to puke out everything in his stomach. Oh, how hard had the beating been following that.

Yuta had learned to control himself after that. He couldn’t go puking at the sight of every single room of the company building, after all, could he ? What he had also progressively gotten hold of was his tears. It always made the man so much more violent when he cried.

Now, he just held on through the pain and the shame until the manager was done, leaving him laying limp on the floor. Only after the door had shut and he was left bared and soiled did he let the tears spill over his cheeks.

“You should thank god for being attractive because that’s all you have.”

Yuta’s guts twisted as they kept being pounded into. The hands on his hips held on too tightly.

“I have no idea how you got into this company with just looks. You probably let the big boss take you, didn’t you ? You felt so good that he had no choice but to keep you around.”

Yuta wanted to scream and answer that it wasn’t true. He had been recruited for his talent, not by sleeping around. He could sing, he could dance, he wasn’t just a hole with legs. He couldn’t say it, though. He remembered the strength with which he had been beat the first time he had talked back. He had been kept gagged for two weeks after that incident.

Yuta just shut his eyes tightly, bit his lips and soldiered on.

“You fucking japanese bitch, should have just been a prostitute since that’s all you’re good for. Should we just leave you like this for the fans too ?”

He wanted to say that he tried to shake his head, to deny it, but his body had completely frozen over by now. He could not move a single muscle. The feeling of being ripped apart in his most sensitive parts didn’t help.

“They would love that, and you would too, you fucking whore. Say it.”

That was another thing the manager loved. Humiliating Yuta, as if he wasn’t already so disgusted of himself. He hated himself for not fighting back, for being so helpless, for letting it happen. For going along.

“I’d love it, I’d love it if the fans took me like you do.”

Yuta panted out through his teeth, rage and pain making his jaw clench. The slap on his ass burnt. It was maybe the tenth this time.

“Why ?”

Yuta sobbed and the hand landed on him again.

“Because I’m a whore.”

He choked out. The manager grunted as his hold became tighter and his movements faster, more sloppy, more desperate.

“That’s right, you’re a filthy slut and I’m gonna fucking cum in you.”

That was always the worst part of it, worse than being penetrated without any preparation. Having his insides filled with the man’s semen, tainting him. He felt so disgusting afterwards, as it spilled out, and his asshole hurt too much. He had to clean himself from the inside out though, or he would be carrying it around. 

Yuta spent so long in the shower trying to scrub his skin off, frantically stuffing two fingers inside himself as he tried to scoop out the remainder of the semen. He would not rest until his skin was bright red and the tears in his ass reopened by his desperate attempts at cleaning himself. 

Yuta hated himself for the way he trembled, and how he spilled on the floor at the feeling of the cock twitching inside of him. He hated his body for enjoying it, for responding to it, for enduring it. If only he could just pass out, he wouldn’t have to feel all of it.

“You made a mess on the floor, you stupid dog, clean it.”

Yuta barely registered when the intrusion left his guts. He forced his body to get back functioning, turning around to try and wipe the cum off.

“Not like that, you cretin. You’re an animal.”

The large palm smacked him in the face, sending his head to the side, before it tangled in his hair to push his mouth against the floor. He weakly extended his tongue, licking it off the dirty floor. He barely kept himself from gagging. Only when all that was left was a shiny trail of spir was Yuta let go. The man got up, pulling his pants back on, and left him there without a word.

Yuta collapsed, finally letting his tears break through the dam he had put up. He felt so sick, the wetness in his ass burning at his insides like acid. He laid there for a few moments before he could gather enough strength to pull himself together. With slow painful movements, he put his clothes back on and stood. 

Yuta limped away from the company building in the empty streets with tightly closed fists and hatred in his heart. 

He tore off his mask when he entered the apartment an hour later and went straight for the bathroom. Making sure to lock the door behind himself, Yuta stripped and got inside the shower without daring to look at his reflection. The scalding water couldn’t hit his back hard enough to make him only concentrate on it.

Yuta shivered as his mind replayed the events again and again, forcing him to lean against the wall, immobile. He barely pulled himself out of it before he could slide to the floor like had happened so many times before. Tiredly, he washed his body until it burnt and felt like just barely grazing it would draw blood. 

He managed to haul himself out and pat himself dry before came the dreaded part. Yuta wiped the condensation from the mirror and looked at his bruises. He gagged seeing the hand prints on his hips and the red on his ass that was sure to bruise. After digging out the arnica gel he kept hidden in the back of a cabinet, he spread it on his injuries. The cold soothed the soreness.

Yuta wished he could just spend the rest of his life in this bathroom and never come out again, but he knew he couldn’t. Wrapped in a robe that he knew covered everything, just in case, he picked up his clothes and shuffled to his room. It was almost engraved in his mind, which planks he could place his feet on without them cracking, how far he could push the door before it creaked.

He dumped his clothes on the floor quietly and kicked them under his bed to clean up later, before plugging in his phone and lifting the blanket from his bed. Only there was a dark shape contrasting with his light bed sheets, a silhouette that looked strangely like…

“Mark ?”

A rumble left the man as he looked over his shoulder at Yuta. Upon the crossing of their gazes, both of their eyes widened. One in surprise from being woken up, the other in fear-tinged confusion. 

“Yuta.”

Mark’s voice was low and rough from sleep, but his face looked so hopeful and innocent.

“I’m sorry, I just, I missed you.”

Yuta’s heart broke upon hearing how vulnerable he sounded. He had two possibilities here. He got in bed with Mark, assuring him again that he did not, in fact, hate him, far from it, but risk a terrible beating if the manager somehow learnt it happened. The other option was to leave and sleep someplace else, avoiding more blows, but hurting Mark a lot.

Really, there was an obvious answer in there. Yuta carefully slid behind Mark, wrapping him in a soft hold. He didn’t care about being hurt as long as it meant it kept his friends from pain. They both hummed with pleasure at the added warmth in the cramped twin bed and Yuta’s battered body soon fell asleep.

Mark woke up with an arm thrown over his waist and a leg over his knees. It took a long moment for his brain to remember the events of the night but he chose to blame his agitated sleep for that. He enjoyed the feeling of Yuta’s chest against his back for some blissfully quiet minutes before he rolled over to look at his friend.

The movement pulled a groan from Yuta whose eyes opened to slits. Mark gave him a shy smile as he had been caught staring, head resting on the pillow just a hand’s width away from Yuta’s own.

“Hi.”

The older of the two said softly. Mark’s gaze glided to Taeil’s bed for an instant. It was empty. He looked back down at Yuta.

“Hey. What time did you come home ?”

Yuta shifted in place, pulling the blanket up higher on the both of them.

“Unsure. Doesn’t matter. I had some stuff to do at the company.”

Well, Mark thought, that was awfully vague, wasn’t it ? He just hummed and did not push the matter further, though.

“Why did you call me Jaehyun ?”

He blurted out what was on his mind without thinking.Yuta made a face as he tried to remember what Mark was referring to. A silent sigh left him when it finally came back to him.

“Someone called me when I was talking to you and my brain short-circuited, sorry. It was late.”

Yeah, it had been, but had Yuta been tired to the point of actually forgetting the entire conversation, and who he had been having it with ? Mark nodded, still feeling uneasy. Yuta’s hand came to push Mark’s bangs away from his eyes, touch gentle, almost hesitant.

“I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Mark could tell by the look in his eyes that he was being genuine. He smiled lightly, just a corner of his lips being pulled up.

“It’s okay.”

Mark closed his eyes to bask in the moment for a bit longer. 

“We’re going to have to get up soon…”

Mark grunted in protest but he knew Yuta was right.

“An idol’s work is never done.”

He completed quietly. It was a motto in the industry, one every aspiring idol had to learn from a young age. At Mark’s words, Yuta shivered against him. Then, he rolled back, putting a foot on the ground to stand. Mark whined at the loss of pleasant warmth, replaced by a chilly breeze. Their dorm was always way too cold, or incredibly stuffy, there was no in between.

Yuta adjusted his robe before he walked over to the closet, all too aware of Mark’s eyes on his back. He couldn’t change with him in the room.

“Come on, Mark, you have to get dressed too or you won’t have time for breakfast.”

Yuta prompted, earning more quiet complaints from his friend as he picked out his clothes. He needed something loose enough to not press against his bruises and hide his silhouette, but not so much that it would rise up at every movement and expose him. 

Arms wrapped around his waist from the back and his body seized up on its own. He tried his best not to jerk and only closed his eyes, breathing reduced to a whistling wheeze.

“Please don’t overwork yourself.”

Mark. It was only Mark. Yuta started breathing as inconspicuous as he could, reaching up to pull a shirt from the shelf.

“I won’t.”

He could say it without feeling the guilt of lying since that wasn’t the issue at hand. Plus, if anyone was overworking Yuta, it sure wasn’t himself. He silenced the grunt rising in his throat and let Mark hug him for a few more seconds before patting his thigh gently.

“Come on, we need to get ready.”

Mark hummed as he let go of Yuta. His hand brushed against the older man’s hips, pulling a gasp out of him at the painful throb that rose up. Yuta shut his eyes tightly to repress the reminder of the night’s events as Mark looked at him worriedly.

“Bit my tongue.”

He breathed out, hoping the excuse would work on Mark. It seemed to, considering how he moved to the door. Yuta sent him a fake bright smile in hope of easing his worries, feeling how his eyes had grown slightly wet. Mark left with one last pointed look that Yuta couldn’t quite read. 

As soon as the door closed, Yuta shed the robe, stepping towards the entrance to block it in case anyone tried to enter. He didn’t look down as he pulled the shirt over his head, but the already blooming dark patches on his hips still glared up at him in the bottom of his vision. He quickly followed with underwear and sweatpants, shrugging on a sweater that he zipped up. 

The more layers he wore, the less chances he had of exposing his skin.

Thankfully, the manager hadn’t left any marks on Yuta’s face or neck this time, or Mark would definitely have seen them. They had been a bitch to cover up, because they were clearly not something he could try to pass off as hickies. Not that that’d be much better, but still a bit more than admitting he had been getting raped and abused for who even knew how long now.

Yuta repressed a shiver and stuck his feet inside socks before grabbing his phone and sliding out of the room. The three other men were there, half asleep, slowly making their way through their breakfast. He smiled at them, noticing the teasing glint in Taeil’s eyes.

“Don’t you start now.”

Yuta pointed his fingers to Taeil as he walked to the fridge. The eldest only laughed, lifting his hands protectively.

“Didn’t say anything.”

Then his look softened, just like his voice.

“I’m just glad you and him are okay again.”

Yuta only turned to stare harder into the fridge, not answering. Were they okay though ?

“You fucking tramp !”

Yuta’s cheek stung from the hit, chest heaving. He could only stare at the black shoe marks on the floor. His hands trembled from where they clamped to his forearms behind his back. It was the position he had been trained to take.

“I told you to stay away from Mark and what do you do ? You go and snuggle with him all night ? Did you let him fuck you too ? You need to be neutered, you’re just a bitch, can’t go two hours without being filled up.”

His breathing became all the more shaky upon hearing those words. The manager was just crazy enough that Yuta feared he could find a way to make that happen. He clenched his jaw when a rough hand curled at the side of his head, pulling on his hair.

“You better fucking work to earn my forgiveness.”

The tug brought Yuta to his knees, thudding against the floor painfully. He glared down at the man’s shoes, wanting nothing more than to spit on them.

“Get to it, whore.”

Another slap came, prompting Yuta to slowly unfurl his arms and start opening the manager’s zipper.

“You’re so disobedient today, should I take action on it ?”

Yuta curled his head down to avoid another blow, but it didn’t come. He let the pants and boxers drop to the ground heavily.

“If disciplining you doesn’t work, I’ll have to go to someone else.”

Yuta’s blood froze in his veins at the implications. He didn’t have to wait long to get clarification, though it was even worse.

“I don’t want to hurt them, you know, they have actual potential, unlike you. If that’s the only way for you to learn, though…”

Yuta shut his eyes tightly as he opened his mouth to wrap it around the hard cock, a full body shiver agitating him. He immediately started moving and swallowing around it, hoping it would make the manager forget his cruel ideas. It didn’t quite work.

“Who should I go for ? Jaemin ? His back wouldn’t survive a bad fall in the stairs, an unfortunate accident.”

Yuta trembled on his knees, arms hooked behind his back again as he strained his neck back and forth. 

“Or someone else ? Lovely little Sicheng, that wouldn’t be as much of a waste.”

Yuta’s fingers dug painfully into his arms.

“I have an even better idea. Shotaro. Another piece of japanese trash out of the way, broken before he could even start his career.”

Yuta’s jaw twitched, teeth painfully grazing the manager’s sensitive parts. The painful hold on his hair came back.

“I might really have to if you keep acting like this. Know your place, tramp.”

He then began pulling Yuta up and down on his dick at an impossible pace. He could only choke and take it, loudly gagging as tears filled his eyes. It hurt, it hurt so bad, he hated this. Dark spots had started dancing in front of his eyes when he was finally released, mouth full of the gross taste of cum.

He fell forward, barely catching himself on his hands before he smacked the floor. He coughed for a long time, drool and semen dripping the floor. He didn’t even register the sound of the man rezipping his pants and talking until a pointed shoe made contact with his ribs.

“Listen to me, dog. Clean that and make yourself look presentable. You have five minutes to be in the recording studio with the rest of the group. You won’t like what will happen if they suspect anything.”

Yuta barely had the force to nod as the manager left the room, slamming the door behind him. He dragged himself to his bag that laid forgotten a bit further away, pulling out tissues. He silently wiped his tongue and face free of slobber and white remnants before doing the same to the wet spot on the floor.

His body protested as he stood up, looking at himself in the mirror. Yuta looked like a whole mess, hair standing up wildly, eyes glossy, cheeks red, lips swollen. He quickly tamed his locks by running his hands through them, drying his tears as he grabbed his bag. 

Yuta left the room with nausea agitating his stomach. He had to run to get to the studio on time, but that at least gave him an excuse for his redness and overall disheveled state. He didn’t dare look up at the manager’s arrogant expression, knowing it would make his stomach churn.

From then on, it kept going. Ever since the first time that man had used Yuta for his own pleasure, it had only grown more and more frequent, starting from occasionally to avoid getting caught to a couple times a week, to every other day, to twice a day, or even more sometimes. Yuta hated how skilled at hiding it the man was.

Ever since that day, the manager used the other members as leverage, on top of the blackmail, the beatings and the gaslighting. He especially targeted Shotaro, the xenophobic asshole. Yuta couldn’t afford to mess up again. He went back to distancing himself from his friends to protect them. It was so hard, he felt so isolated.

Would they believe him if he told them ? He wasn’t sure. The manager was always so nice to them, encouraging them, complimenting them, buying them food and gifts. He acted so well in front of them, pretending to include Yuta in the nice attentions only to tear out his life afterwards. 

As Yuta contemplated it in his bed, staring at the shadows on the ceiling during one of those nights where the nightmares forbade him from sleeping, it suddenly got too much. He couldn’t help the sobs trying to make their way up his throat, but he had to smother them in his pillow as Taeil slept only a metre away.

He got up, legs shaking so hard that he wasn’t sure how he was standing, and left the room. Yuta held onto the pillow tightly, like it was the only thing keeping him from imploding. He walked as far away from the bedroom doors as he could. He couldn’t breathe. He ripped open the window, collapsing against it as the cold night air filled his lungs. He looked down at the ground, so far away.

What would happen if he fell ? If he jumped ? Would everything stop or would the monster start assaulting someone else ? Would he be the last, or only the middle of his numerous victims ? Yuta couldn’t bear the thought of this trauma being passed on to another one of his friends, or even an entire stranger. No one deserved this.

Yuta’s legs gave out under him, hooking his body on the windowsill. Half of his torso hung out and stared at the drop. It would be so easy… He shook the wicked ideas out of his mind as best he could. The window dug into the bruises on his chest. He pushed himself back on his weak legs, throat constricting as more sobs left him. He only then noticed that something had gone missing.

“Fuck.”

Throwing a glance through the window again, he saw the rectangular form laying on the pavement far down and whined. This really wasn’t what he needed right now. That was his favourite pillow too. Would he go and get it or just abandon it ? Yuta felt so tired, every movement sent prickles of pain through him coming from his ass. He really should. No need to pollute even more. 

Slowly, he made his way to the door, grabbing one of the caps that hung by it and sliding his feet into the first pair of matching shoes he could fit into. Yuta tiredly pushed down on the handle, making sure the door was quiet as it clicked behind him, before dragging himself to the elevator. He leaned against the wall to take weight off his legs as he waited.

When the lift eventually let out a soft ding, Yuta pushed himself back up correctly with a wince but froze when he saw the feet inside the cabin. He stepped to the side to let the person exit, wondering what they were doing out at this ungodly hour.

“Yuta ?”

His head snapped up, neck cracking at the sudden motion. There, holding his pillow, Johnny stood.

“So I was right, this is yours.”

Yuta nodded, vocal chords unwilling to work. As their gazes met, he saw Johnny’s features move into a concerned expression and sharply looked away, hiding his face behind the visor. It had to be obvious that he had been crying. He softly took the pillow from Johnny’s hand and started walking off, back to the flat.

“Thank you. You can go back now.”

Yuta tried his best not to limp as he knew he was being stared at.

“Hey, Yuta… Wait.”

His friend’s voice was soft, but resounded like a gunshot in the empty corridor.

“I’m here if you want to talk, you know ?”

Johnny said tentatively, making Yuta smile bitterly.

“I do, thank you.”

He couldn’t bring himself to pronounce his name. He keyed in the code without looking back at Johnny. Why wasn’t he getting back into the elevator ?

“I’m worried about you.”

It came when Yuta stepped through the door. He felt that same bubble of tightness rise in his chest again. He tripped on the mess of shoes in the entryway, sending him crumpled to the ground. He didn’t try to get up, too faint to succeed. He only muffled his choked cries in the pillow, wet from either his tears or the rainy sidewalk.

Warm hands pressed softly against Yuta’s back and he jerked away from them, quivering as he pressed himself as much as possible against the floor. He went mute, ducking his head away as his breathing quickened. It took him a few moments to remember who it was, and who it wasn’t.

“Please don’t touch me.”

Johnny would respect that, right ? He wouldn’t be like that man, right ? He wasn’t, Yuta learnt as his friend carefully stepped around him to sit in his field of vision, but out of reach.

“I won’t. I promise. Could you try folding your legs so the door can close ?”

Yuta didn’t dare remove his eyes from Johnny, unsure whether he was scared of him disappearing or of him coming closer. He slowly bent his legs, wincing, but managed to get them out of the way of the door.

“Why did your pillow fall out the window, Yuta ?”

Johnny asked quietly, prompting the man to look past him into the living room, at the still open window. He shivered as if he could feel the cold breeze.

“I was just at the window and it fell.”

That was approximately what had happened.

“Why were you at the window with your pillow, though ?”

Yuta’s words caught in his throat. The blood pulsing in his temples was all he could heart for a few seconds.

“Couldn’t sleep, so I wanted to look out.”

Out, not down. Not down. He couldn’t meet Johnny’s eyes.

“Do you want me to help you back into bed ?”

Yuta shook his head. The nightmares would come back, he knew it. He already spent three quarters of his days haunted by his abuser, he couldn’t bear seeing him during the rest of it.

“How about getting you something to eat ? Or drink ?”

He would likely puke it out in the morning, but it would at least ease the worry on Johnny’s face. He agreed softly, pulling his legs close to his chest so he could start his attempt at getting up.

“Alright, thank you. Try to get on the couch, okay ? Take your time.”

Johnny stood up, keeping his gaze on Yuta as he made his way towards the kitchen. He was obviously trying to hide the concern in his eyes, but it didn’t work very well. Yuta looked away, instead placing a hand on the hallway’s door frame as he pushed on his legs. They shook under his weight and he had to fully lean against the wall for support.

After a few deep breaths, Yuta set out on his trip to the couch. He didn’t even lift his feet, only sliding them on the floor even though he still had the shoes on and they kept getting caught on the wood. He huffed out a frustrated sound, almost like a sob, as his hand tightened around the pillow.

Yuta felt so exhausted and he didn’t know why. How come a five metre walk was depleting his energy this much ? It didn’t make sense. Nothing really made sense, though. When he eventually made it to the spot where he would need to let go of the wall, he stopped. Shoulder against his only support, Yuta stared at the side of the couch, just two paces away. Could he make it without crumbling ? The tremor in his legs seemed to disagree.

He closed his eyes for a second before he lunged forward. Yuta wasn’t sure how or why he did it. Maybe it was to trick his own brain into making his body function. It worked for a moment, as he put down his leg and pushed himself forward. The second step didn’t go as well and sent him straight into the arm of the sofa with a dull sound.

The impact of his stomach and the somewhat hard cushion knocked the breath out of Yuta. His eyes shut tightly to keep tears from escaping them as he gasped against the dirty fabric of the seat, forehead pressed into it. He cursed in his head, not able to get any words out even if he had tried.

“Yuta ?”

Johnny had turned around at the sound, standing in front of the countertop of the open kitchen. 

“Made it on the couch.”

Yuta answered breathlessly, not turning to look at him. From Johnny’s point of view, he was just halfway on, bent over the arm while everything below his hips hung down to the floor. When Yuta’s mind caught up with the events, he realized what position he was in and a shiver racked through him. He immediately crawled forward and curled in on himself as both phantom and real pain spread out from his rear. 

He barely concealed a gag as intrusive images danced in front of his eyes. All the past moments when he had been in this exact position, and what had happened. They always came back, no matter how much he tried to repress them. It took a moment, way too long, before he finally managed to come back to himself. He was shaking.

The way Yuta turned his head was jerky and hesitant, and it made his neck crack painfully. Johnny sat in the armchair, a safe distance away, but his eyes were glued to Yuta. He wasn’t even attempting to conceal his worry anymore. On the messy coffee table, he had cleared a small space where he had put down a plate with only plain toast and water in a wine glass.

Yuta slowly moved to a more correct sitting position before he reached out to grab the glass. His hand shook but he managed to bring it to his lips and drink. The water, chilled but not cold, slid blissfully down his throat. It wouldn’t be as blissful when it came back up, but Yuta refused to think about it. He downed the full glass in just a few seconds. 

“Be careful.”

Johnny murmured quietly, eyes trained on the water that dribbled down Yuta’s chin. 

“Sorry.”

It was an automatism, the way Yuta apologized. He bit his lip as the glass regained its spot on the table. He then grabbed the plate, putting it down on his lap as he didn’t trust his hand to hold it. The toast crunched when he picked it up, crumbs all over him. He brought it up to his mouth and it scraped against his tongue. Thankfully, it wasn’t so crisp that the sensation was painful but it still surprised him.

He bit and chewed slowly. Johnny was still watching him. There had to be crumbs on his pillow now. Yuta swallowed the piece of toast.

“You can go home.”

His voice was raw and he would have blamed it on the toast if anyone had asked. However, only Johnny was there and he didn’t seem to pay any mind to the hoarseness.

“I know.”

Johnny answered quietly, not moving. Yuta bit into the toast again.

“I know but I don’t want to. I won’t go unless you want me to.”

His eyes were unwaveringly stuck to Yuta.

“Why ?”

Yuta murmured and the bread scraped his palate. His mouth felt dry like that glass from a few minutes ago had only been a dream.

“I’m afraid of what could happen if I left you alone.”

It was too late for that, way too late. Johnny had already left Yuta alone, they all had, and the results were there, hidden under his clothing, inside him. The toast fell into the plate because his hand shook too much to keep holding it. He wrapped his arms over the bottom of his ribs protectively, head bowed forward. A choked out whimper fell past his lips as he accidentally pressed into one of his bruises.

“Yuta, I want to help you because something’s clearly wrong, and has been for longer than I realise, but I have no idea how I can help you.”

Yuta’s breathing became more and more laboured as his chest contracted in repressed attempts to sob. 

“I… I’m sorry.”

Was all he managed to get out before his throat closed up completely, forcing him to gasp for air.

“No, Yuta, it’s not your fault, fuck. Alright, staying calm. I am going to come closer. I won’t touch you. Okay ? Focus on your breathing.”

It wasn’t easy. Yuta couldn’t feel anything but the tightness of his ribcage. And the hands, so many hands, all over him. They were touching him everywhere, they hadn’t cared how he screamed and cowered away. They had only hit him until they forced him to shut up by taping his mouth. 

Yuta also felt the warmth, the uncomfortable stickiness of semen. It was on his face, on his hands, on his back, inside him. God, it was inside him. Yuta jerked in place violently as if trying to get it out, almost slipping off the couch. He was only kept from falling by the soft thing that pushed his shoulder against the back of it. He grabbed it and held it tightly, gasping when he felt the prickles of pain in his hand.

His vision kicked back in from where it had blurred. Johnny’s face was the first thing he saw, lips moving in words he couldn’t yet hear. He sat on the floor just out of reach. Yuta’s grip on the pillow relented slightly as he strained his ears to listen.

“You’ll make it through this, trust me. Come on, in and out. Please.”

Yuta managed to nod a bit, enough for Johnny to notice it. His eyes lit up seeing Yuta answer. How long had he been trying to talk him through this ? Johnny began counting and he tried his best to follow along. It took some time before his body started relaxing and his breathing came back to a somewhat normal pace. Yuta reached out and Johnny gently took his hand, uncaring of the crumbs trapped between their hands.

“Thank you.”

The genuine relief in Johnny’s almost made Yuta spill right then and there. But then, he remembered the threats and the hurt that would come upon the members if the manager heard about it. They had no way to get him fired. Yuta had to stay quiet.

“I just… I’ve been having bad nightmares for a while. I’m sorry it came to this.”

Johnny assured him it was no problem, that he just wanted him to be okay. Yuta was glad he had bought the excuse, that wasn’t totally wrong considering he did have a lot of nightmares. His state just wasn’t the product of it alone. 

“Would it help if I stayed ?”

Yuta would have said yes if the reminder of what had happened last time, with Mark, wasn’t burnt into his brain. Into his skin. He shook his head lightly.

“It won’t, but thank you. I think I can go back to sleep now. You should too, it’s late.”

Johnny nodded in agreement but he did not move. Only Yuta standing up made him get in motion. He instinctively extended his hands in case Yuta fell again, but the hard flinch made him retreat. Apologies immediately spilled out of the japanese man’s lips, fingers tightening around his pillow. He hadn’t meant to, but the fear of touch had been instilled so well in him that he wasn’t sure it would ever leave him again.

Not daring to look at Johnny’s face, Yuta made his way to his bedroom door, thankfully more stable than before. He stopped in front of it, hand resting on the handle lightly as he worked up the courage to turn around. He tilted his head until he could see over his shoulder.

“Really, thank you. Go to bed now. And, um…”

Yuta hesitated, gaze flickering down to the ground. His vision had been too blurry to even recognize the expression on Johnny’s face.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this. At all. Please.”

Yuta pleaded. The consequences of the manager overhearing this would be so much worse than last time, since someone had actually come close to learning about it. They would affect the entire group, which Yuta was terrified of. He could ruin NCT if this got out.

“I won’t. I hope you’ll sleep alright this time.”

Yuta barely kept in his sigh of relief. He gave a short nod and slid back into his bedroom without looking at Johnny again. His slumber was light enough for no dreams to come haunt him again.

From then on, Johnny kept a more careful eye on Yuta, alerted by the night’s events and the memory of Mark asking him about the man. Yuta, knowing that, acted even more carefully, knowing he was under surveillance. He managed to keep up the act for what had to be close to two weeks without arising anymore suspicion. 

Then everything came crumbling down. 

The vocal practice had stretched late into the night. Their earlier schedules had kept them from eating and everyone’s stomachs had been growling during the session. Yuta had been slumbering against a wall, waiting for everyone to pack up, when Jungwoo came up to him.

“Hyung ?”

Yuta’s eyes snapped open at the voice, so close to him. He looked up at Jungwoo’s eyes, humming in acknowledgement.

“The rest of us are going to go get something to eat. Want to join ?”

Maybe it was the tiredness that made Yuta forget, or the yearning for the presence of his friends, but he agreed. He sealed his fate in that instant. It took a few minutes for the nine of them to finally leave the room, heading down to the lobby to walk out. 

On the way there, in the middle of a hallway, they met Yuta’s nightmare. As soon as his eyes caught on the manager’s face, speaking with Taeyong at the front of the group, he stumbled on his feet. Next to him, Doyoung gave him a strange look. Yuta kneeled down to pretend to tie his shoelace, looking down to hide his face. Doyoung stopped next to him.

“What are you doing ?”

Yuta asked quietly, almost going unheard.

“I’m waiting for you.”

Yuta’s eyes widened and his fingers shook, making the loops slip against one another.

“Just go ahead, it’s fine.”

He tried to control the tremors as he heard footsteps coming closer. He saw the legs approaching them, slowly, and stood up. Yuta tried to inconspicuously hide behind Doyoung even though the man was only two centimetres taller than him.

“Ah Yuta, there you are !”

The voice, that voice, it chilled his bones. It sounded so joyful but Yuta knew how fake it was. The manager was, unfortunately, a great actor. 

“I can’t believe you forgot we had a meeting.”

The man continued teasingly as Yuta slightly stepped out from behind Doyoung. His friend gave him a questioning look.

“You didn’t tell us you had one.”

Yuta’s throat constricted, making his voice come out squeaky.

“Well-”

He cleared his throat, trying to not be so suspicious.

“I forgot about it.”

Doyoung turned his eyes to Yuta’s abuser.

“Would it be possible to move it to later ? We haven’t eaten in close to maybe half a day now.”

God, it really had been that long, Yuta thought, before he realised. His skin froze. Doyoung shouldn’t be going against the manager’s wishes, god knew what he would do to Yuta, or worse, the other members.

“It won’t take long, just about forty five minutes ? Then Yuta will be free to go.”

Yuta put his hand on Doyoung’s waist, pushing softly to encourage him to leave.

“I’ll join you later, it’s fine. I won’t pass out because of forty five minutes.”

He insisted quietly. The manager nodded with his stupid confident smile.

“If you’re sure then…”

The manager started walking one way, Doyoung in the other and Yuta’s head reeled. Instead of moving, he tightened his fingers around the fabric of Doyoung’s coat, stopping him. Yuta wanted to cry out for him not to go, not to leave him alone with the man, not to let it happen again, but he couldn’t. 

A pitiful whimper left his lips as Doyoung turned to look at him in confusion before Yuta slapped a hand on his mouth. He felt how panicked his eyes must look from the outside and ripped his head away. He croaked out an apology before turning on his feet, trotting after who he knew would hurt him. 

He was right.

The manager knew that he could not leave any marks considering the group would definitely be waiting for him later, but he knew where he could land his hits. Yuta’s ribs and stomach throbbed, red blooming over his skin like poppies.

Then, when he knew Yuta wouldn’t be able to move, he pushed the singer’s face into the ground, pulled his pants down and penetrated him without any form of preparation. Yuta cried. He couldn’t stop himself this time. It hurt so badly there was no way his asshole hadn’t gotten ripped.

“You’d think a whore like you wouldn’t be this tight considering how much you get fucked.”

Yuta hated this. He wanted to die. That was the only freedom he would be able to find. There was nothing else.

He let himself be pounded into as more tears left his eyes, falling quiet. He felt something warm flow from his anus down his thigh, no doubt seeping into the fabric of his pants. He didn’t want to look. 

Then, a knock resounded from the door. The man stopped moving, grip on Yuta’s hips tightening.

“Yes ?”

He called out, voice stable despite the grunts he had been letting out just instants prior. Who was at his office door when he was busy giving Yuta rugburn ?

“I’m sorry but Yuta didn’t come back, is he still here ?”

That was Taeyong. How long had it been ? Yuta could only wonder. 

“Yes, he is, we lost track of time. He’ll be out soon, don’t worry.”

Yuta bit his lips to keep a noise from leaving him as the movements came back. It hurt. A hand grabbed his shoulder, violently pulling him up so the man could speak in his ear.

“You bitch, you’ll pay for this next time. You’re fucking worthless, can’t do anything without bothering others.”

A particularly hard thrust pulled a loud whimper from Yuta, who immediately shut his eyes and mouth tightly. The tears still escaped his eyelids.

“Your precious little boys are definitely going to get it now, it’s over for-”

The door was ripped open and Yuta dissolved into choked sobs. He didn’t open his eyes to check who it was. 

“You fucking bastard !”

Loud stomping followed the shout and Yuta was released, plummeting forward. He caught himself on his elbow, before his face could hit the ground. Ignoring the sounds of fighting behind him, he blindly crawled forward until he ran into the wall, curling up against it. He rocked back and forth, chest heaving as he tried to protect himself by crossing his arms over it. 

There was screaming that Yuta couldn’t understand, only hoping it was not directed at him. Over the mess, he heard someone come closer and lowered his head, bracing himself for the impact. It never came. He looked up, just enough to see the person and the blood drained from his face when their eyes met.

“Don’t look at me.”

Yuta managed to choke out. Taeyong didn’t look away, slowly holding out his hand.

“It’s done now, he’ll never touch you again. I think we should get you away from this.”

Yuta stared at the open hand, gentle, delicate. That hand would not harm him, right ? He hesitantly took it, fingers trembling in the careful but firm grip. When he started pushing himself up, using both Taeyong and the wall as support, the pain coming from his rear was a painful reminder of how exposed he was. His knees buckled, sending him down, but his friend caught him.

“Shhh, you’re okay, I got you. Jaehyun !”

Yuta didn’t even wince at the loudness, dropping his head on Taeyong’s shoulder. He must have fainted for a few minutes because the next thing he knew, he was resting in someone’s arms. He knew they were walking and his eyes snapped open, fear overtaking his chest. He would have trashed if he had the strength. Breathing picking up, he stared up at Jaehyun with terror.

“It’s just me, you’re okay. Do you want me to put you down ?”

Yuta was so relieved that he couldn’t answer. He just closed his eyes, falling limp again.

“I think he passed out again…”

Jaehyun murmured softly, carefully adjusting the position of his arms so Yuta would not fall. Taeil watched him in silence as they continued making their way to the outside.

“Fuck, I should have known, I’m an idiot.”

Johnny groaned from behind them. Taeyong and Doyoung had stayed behind with the manager after security had arrived, called by the latter. Mark and Donghyuck had been ushered to get a car with Jungwoo, keeping them from seeing Yuta’s state.

“It’s not your fault, Johnny.”

The eldest called out, grabbing Johnny’s arm to stop it from pulling his hair out.

“No, you don’t understand, I saw more before, he said it was nightmares, he didn’t want me to tell anyone. I should have put it together, I had all of the pieces in front of my eyes, I’m so fucking stupid.”

Tears of rage and frustration left his eyes, even more so when he saw Yuta in Jaehyun’s arms as they turned into the lobby. Taeil tugged on his arm.

“Please shut up, none of this is your fault. You’ve already redeemed yourself with how you beat him up.”

Jaehyun turned to shield Yuta from being seen through the large window, in case anyone was out there. They waited in silence for a few moments before a car rolled up in front of the door. Taeil stepped forward to check, but Donghyuck’s wild waving through the open window was enough. 

They sprung into action, Johnny holding the building door open, Taeil making quick work of the car’s. Jaehyun carefully sat Yuta on the closest seat at the back, settling next to him as Taeil climbed in the front and Johnny squeezed himself between the two youngest. At the front, Jungwoo began to drive after confirmation that everyone was settled. His fingers turned white from how hard he was gripping the wheel.

“I know you’re all scared and angry right now but we need to be there for him and not mad at ourselves. Okay ? Don’t pressure him into saying anything.”

Taeil said, turned around in his seat to look at the others. Donghyuck and Jaehyun nodded quietly.

“Mark ? Johnny ?”

The eldest insisted, gaze strong until they finally agreed. Johnny had both Mark and Donghyuck’s hands caught in each of his, holding on tightly. Afterwards, the drive was quiet. 

Once they parked in the basement of their building, Jaehyun picked Yuta back up and the group made their way up to the tenth floor apartment in a heavy silence. Inside, he set the singer down on his bed and stepped back before turning to face the others, waiting at the door. 

“What do we do now ? Do we wait for him to wake up ?”

They all looked uncomfortable, exchanging glances with each other to see who would speak up first.

“Well, he’s definitely injured.”

Donghyuck said softly with a vague gesture in Jaehyun’s direction. He looked down at himself and couldn’t retain a gag when he saw the blood staining his clothing. Johnny grunted, startling Jungwoo next to him.

“I should have hit him even harder.”

Mark carefully grabbed Johnny’s hand, holding onto it tightly to stop it from flailing.

“The best thing to do right now, I think, is at least change him out of his clothes but don’t do anything more than that. He would freak out if he woke up to us touching him.”

Taeil stepped forward, taking hold of the robe that Yuta had thrown on the floor that same morning. 

“Someone please stay to help me, someone else go cook something for when he wakes up, something light, the others just… Scatter, I don’t know, sleep if you’re able to.”

They slowly filed out of the room, reluctant to leave but they knew they had to. Only Mark stayed, walking to the side of the bed with a gulp. Taeil kneeled on the floor and made the younger man hold up a blanket between him and Yuta, so he wasn’t able to see him. He blindly peeled away the pants, cringing at the sticky parts, as well as the shirt.

His hands stayed careful and light, hopefully not pressing into any injured spots. Taeil left on Yuta’s underwear because, even though it was gross and blood-soaked, it would do no good. He then slipped on the robe. It was trickier than undressing him, but he couldn’t leave him exposed, not now.

“That’s the robe he was wearing when… Oh my god, it all makes sense now.”

Mark choked out, eyes firmly planted on the door. Was the manager the reason why Yuta had called him Jaehyun, why he had been acting weird during the call ? Why he had been avoiding Mark ? How long had this all been going on for ?

“You can put it down now, Mark.”

He broke away from the spiralling thoughts thanks to Taeil’s hand on his upper arm, lowering the blanket gently. Yuta looked so proper now that he was changed, not scared, not angry, just asleep. The robe covered up all of the potential bruises and injuries. Maybe that’s why he had been wearing it so much lately, during the rare times he was actually in the dorms.

Mark carefully set the blanket on Yuta, making sure it wouldn’t fall off before letting himself be dragged away into the living room. Donghyuck was planted in front of the stove, blankly staring at a pot as Johnny watched over him from where he sat on the couch.

“Jaehyun and Jungwoo went into their room.”

He said without taking his eyes away from the youngest man. Taeil nodded as he softly pushed on Mark’s back.

“I’ll go put this in the washing machine, but I’m not sure they can be saved.”

He said as he held up the shirt and pants in his hand.

“I’m not even sure any of us can ever land our eyes on them again though…”

He trailed off as he walked away. Mark stood still for a moment before instinctively going to nestle into Johnny’s side.

“You were right, Mark, all this time you were right. There was something going on with Yuta and only you saw it…”

Mark bit his lip. This was one of the few times he would have loved being wrong.

“He was right here, he was freaking out and he wouldn’t let me touch him. He was bawling his eyes out and I couldn’t do anything to help. He looked terrified.”

The words spilled from Johnny’s mouth without him even meaning to. He cut himself off, planting his face in Mark’s hair. The younger man stayed silent as he knew he would start crying if he spoke a word. 

Donghyuck’s pot clattered as he all but threw it off the heat. Only a few seconds later, he climbed on Johnny’s lap and wrapped his arms around both his and Mark’s necks, holding on tightly. The older man curled his hand around Donghyuck’s waist as Mark interlaced their fingers. They didn’t need to speak to know that the group’s youngest member was incredibly scared and vulnerable at that instant.

A soft rumble reached them from where the washing machine had been started. Taeil came back in the living room only a few moments later, eyes sad as they fell on the trio huddled together.

“I think you should go down to the other dorm and sleep.”

The eldest said quietly, gaze sliding to the hallway as he continued.

“I’ll wait up for Taeyong and Doyoung to get home and check up on Yuta every so often.”

Johnny ran his hand up and down Donghyuck’s spine gently, making a shiver run through the man’s back. 

“Don’t want to move.”

Taeil hummed as he walked closer, sitting on Mark’s other side. The younger man moved to pull him into the cuddle pile.

“It’s okay, let’s just stay here. Close your eyes, Hyuckie, we’ll stay here with you.”

When Doyoung and Taeyong arrived, some time later, they found the four of them still in that position on the couch. They were both exhausted, having had to stay to make sure their other managers as well as the agency’s higher management knew what had happened and relentlessly asking for the man to be fired. Having been caught red-handed, he had confessed and instead had found revenge in telling them exactly how he had tortured their Yuta. Doyoung still felt sick to his stomach thinking about it.

“Make them go to bed, they’ll be in pain tomorrow if they stay there. I’ll go check on the other three.”

Taeyong nodded before quietly padding over to the couch as Doyoung pushed down on the handle of Jungwoo and Jaehyun’s door. Thanks to the sliver of light slipping in, he managed to see how they both were in their beds. He also saw how Jaehyun’s eyes were wide open and stared blankly at the ceiling above his head.

“Hyunnie ?”

He called out gently, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. Jaehyun rolled onto his side to face Doyoung, one arm bent so he could rest his head on it. The older man came up to the bed, crouching by Jaehyun’s face.

“Hey. Yong and I just came back, he’s sending the others off to bed. They were on the couch.”

Jaehyun nodded slowly.

“How’s Yuta ?”

Doyoung laid a soft hand on Jaehyun’s cheek, using it to caress the peach skin.

“Haven’t seen him yet, I just wanted to make sure you two were in here, but… you’re awake.”

Jaehyun hummed, eyes flickering closed as Doyoung’s gentle ministrations continued.

“Can’t fall asleep, I just keep… seeing it over and over.”

The older man’s heart broke at the words, but he just couldn’t tell Jaehyun that it was the same for him. Every time he blinked, the phantom image was there, taunting him. He bent forward to press a gentle kiss to his friend’s forehead.

“Give it a bit of time, and you can always come to the bed of any of us if it’d help. I need to go see how Yuta’s doing now, but I’ll come see if you’re still up afterwards, yeah ?”

Jaehyun gave another nod before scooting back, too close to the edge of the mattress as Doyoung stood back up. He shuffled out of the room as quietly as he could, door closing with a soft click behind him. The couch had been deserted, Taeyong stood in the doorway that led to the entry. 

“I’m going down with them, shoot me a text if you need anything.”

Doyoung nodded and waited until he heard the main door open and close. Once it was only him in the empty living room, he walked over to the next door, Taeil and Yuta’s bedroom, and knocked softly.

“Yuta ?”

He asked tentatively after getting no answer. He was probably asleep, Doyoung reasoned as he cranked the door open. However, the only sight that greeted him inside the room was that of Yuta’s bed devoid of its owner, blanket in a heap on the floor. He gasped and flicked on the light, looking around to make sure Yuta wasn’t curled up in a corner. No, no Yuta. 

Doyoung quickly left the bedroom, staring out at the main space as he tried to reason with himself. His legs carried him to the next door, a little further along. Looking closely, he could see that the light inside was on, barely noticeable due to the illuminated state of the living room.

“Yuta ? Are you in there ?”

He tried again, cursing himself for the way his voice wavered. He almost didn’t hear the quiet confirmation that came from inside.

“May I come inside ?”

The silence stretched on, thick as the mud Doyoung would get his boots stuck in as a child. 

“I can just stay out here, it’s no problem.”

Just as he leaned against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor, Yuta spoke up.

“It’s not- I-”

A long shaky sigh reached Doyoung’s ears.

“You can come in but just, just don’t come close. Please.”

Yuta sounded so weak, so hesitant, it made Doyoung’s heart tighten painfully in his chest. He softly opened the door, taking in the way Yuta shied away in the corner, between the shower and the toilet. His hair dripped water over his robe-covered shoulders. A pair of underwear spotted with crusty dark stains had been thrown into the trash. Doyoung had to retain a gag as he stepped inside, a cloud of steam rolling out.

“Door open or closed ?”

He asked Yuta gently, unsure of what would make the other man feel more comfortable. At his instruction, he closed it and sat against it, making sure to not move forward. They stayed there in silence, occasional glances stolen at each other.

“I’m sorry I left you with him.”

Yuta had been acting so strange, Doyoung shouldn’t have let him go.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

Yuta answered with a low scratchy voice, shaking his head. Doyoung didn’t know if the shiny wetness of his cheeks was from the humidity of shower he had apparently taken or tears.

“Yong and I took care of him. He’ll never set foot anywhere near you again.”

Yuta let out something akin to a hiccup which made Doyoung yearn to take him in his arms, bring him into a warm and comforting hug, but he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry I never told you, I’m sorry I let him do all of these things to me, I’m sorry I didn’t fight back but I just couldn’t- I was terrified.”

Doyoung’s eyes watered as his brain supplied him with unwanted images of what the abuser had described doing to Yuta earlier.

“It’s not your fault, Yuta, he had already hurt you.”

Yuta’s jaw clenched as he shook his head, hands tightened into fists.

“I wasn’t scared of what he’d do to me, he… He threatened to hurt the others.”

Doyoung was at a loss for words. That hadn’t been mentioned.

“He said he’d hurt the members, the younger ones, 127, everyone. I just, I just couldn’t let him. He said he’d ruin their lives and it’d be nothing more than an accident.”

Pure horror ran through Doyoung’s veins, freezing him all over.

“I should have let Johnny hit him for a while longer.”

He remembered how he had wrapped his arms around his older friend, pulling him back before he all but killed the manager. Johnny had struggled against his grip, making it so that Mark and Donghyuck had had to come help restrain him. 

“Don’t- I’m gonna puke again.”

Doyoung immediately apologized, eyes fleeting to where Yuta’s legs curled around the toilet. The soap scents and steam from the shower had kept him from noticing earlier, but there was a distinct acrid smell in the air.

“What are we going to do now ? Do you think the media will…”

He didn’t finish his sentence but Doyoung knew what he was implying.

“We’ll talk that out with management in the morning. I think we all agree that you’re the priority here.”

Yuta looked down at the cold tiled floor, slightly damp from all of the humidity in the room.

“Do you think you’re up to eat something ? You haven’t eaten anything since noon.”

Yuta stayed quiet for a moment, chewing on his lower lip.

“I’ll probably just barf it back out again later.”

Doyoung suppressed a shiver.

“You still need to eat something, Yuta… I think one of them made rice, that’s what I smelled at least. Or I could get you anything else you want.”

Yuta hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“Okay, rice is okay.”

Doyoung could have cried from relief due to how high-strung he was.

“I’ll go get that and some water. Maybe rinse your mouth if you haven’t yet, bile is not a good taste.”

He advised as he stood up slowly, as to not startle Yuta.

“You can stay here if you’d like or get to the table or the couch, your bed, wherever you want. It’s just me and you up, the rest are in bed. Taeil’s down on the 5th floor. Take your time.”

Doyoung opened the door and left the bathroom in search of the aforementioned food for Yuta. When he had finished gathering it, despite hearing Yuta move, Doyoung couldn’t see him on the couch or at the table. He figured that he must have gone back to his bedroom. However, as he rounded the armchair, bowl in one hand and glass in the other, he saw him.

Yuta was on the floor, halfway between the bathroom and his bedroom, and looked like he had crawled there. His forehead had been resting on his arms, crossed against the ground, but he lifted his head upon hearing Doyoung.

“Hurts to move. Sorry I couldn’t make it to the table.”

Yuta sounded so broken. Looked the part as well. Doyoung’s heart shattered in a thousand pieces. He couldn’t even imagine how hard it must have been to get inside the bathroom in the first place.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Can I help you get there or would you rather I just stay back ?”

Yuta nodded after a few seconds.

“You can help but I can’t guarantee I won’t freak out when you touch me.”

Doyoung wanted to cry. He went into the room to put down his load before coming back and crouching next to Yuta.

“So how are we doing this ?”

The man asked, making Doyoung think quickly.

“Would a piggyback ride be okay ? It shouldn’t feel too restrictive for you and it shouldn’t hurt you too much.”

Yuta considered the option and approved, prompting Doyoung to move in front of him as he slowly sat back up. It was hard to position the two of them so Yuta didn’t have to hold on too tight while still being secure, but they managed. Once Doyoung succeeded in pushing their weight up to stand, it only took a handful of seconds to get Yuta on his bed. As soon as he was settled, Doyoung moved back, having heard how Yuta’s breath had hitched when on his back.

“Do you want me to go or stay or…”

He asked softly, watching how Yuta’s hands shook while reaching for the bowl next to his bed.

“You can stay but not- not too close.”

Doyoung nodded as he moved to sit on Taeil’s bed, a good distance away from Yuta.

“Did you put anything on your bruises, if you have any ?”

Yuta didn’t look up at Doyoung, only staring down at the rice on his spoon.

“I had to shower sitting down, there’s no way I could have reached the gel.”

Doyoung nodded quietly, getting back on his feet without approaching Yuta. He told him he’d go get it just in case Yuta wanted to use it.

“Mine’s in the back of the cabinet. Didn’t want to deplete the collective one.”

Yuta supplied as Doyoung passed the door. He cursed how shaky his hand was, how much it hurt to just raise it to his mouth. He had to hold the glass with both hands to not spill water everywhere. He felt so weak. He hated the shiver that ran down his spine when Doyoung reached over to put the cream down by the end of his bed.

“I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m not scared of you, I know you would never hurt me but my body just reacts on its own.”

Yuta said without ever looking up at Doyoung, scared of what expression he would read on his face. He wasn’t sure which he dreaded more, pity or anger. 

“I can’t say I know what it feels like, but I understand. You’ve been violated, it’s not your fault your brain has associated touch with pain and fear.”

Yuta didn’t answer and just kept eating. He continued until he felt full, unable to ingest anything more.

“I want to put the gel on my injuries but I don’t want you to see. But also, I’m terrified that if you go out, I’ll wake up and it’s all just a dream and it never actually stopped.”

He said all in one breath, having to gasp at the end because of how empty his lungs were.

“It’s not a dream, everything is really done now. I can turn around, I promise I won’t look. I really don’t want you to have to endure bruising for any longer than possible.”

Yuta nodded, putting away the bowl and grabbing the tube of gel instead. Doyoung spun so his back faced Yuta, staring at his hands to make sure he wouldn’t try to look back. 

He heard the sound of the robe against Yuta’s skin, everything so loud in the overwhelming silence. The tube opened and Yuta hissed lightly, probably at the combined painful touch and cold gel. It stretched on for a while, the quiet slick sounds of the jelly being rubbed into Yuta’s bruises. Then, the robe again.

“I’m done now. Thank you.”

Doyoung turned back around, assuring Yuta it was only normal. He felt so tired, arms weighing heavily from his shoulders. He couldn’t retain the yawn that took over him.

“You should- I think you should go sleep.”

Yuta said, arms crossed over his stomach with his hands curling over his hips.

“And you ? You’ve had… the hardest day between all of us.”

Yuta looked away from Doyoung.

“I don’t think I’ll really be able to catch any sleep.”

Doyoung ran a hand through his hair to brush it out of his eyes, but it fell back in front of them anyways. He didn’t care.

“Would it help if you slept in another bed ? Mine, Taeil’s, anyone’s ? On your own, of course, unless you want someone with you. I don’t know, maybe not having the memories attached to it could be good, but it’s really up to you.”

Yuta stole a glance at Taeil’s bed, eyes blinking slowly.

“Would he be fine with that ?”

Doyoung nodded immediately.

“I promise he won’t mind.”

Yuta pushed himself to his feet with a grunt, making Doyoung’s eyes open widely. He stood as well, retreating towards the door.

“I’ll leave you for the night then. Don’t hesitate to come get any of us, I’ll probably be with Jaehyun. You can even just hit the wall if you can’t get up, okay ?”

Yuta shuffled across the floor, not even lifting his feet since he knew he would not stay up if he did. After a way too long time, he finally crashed on Taeil’s bed, the springs protesting loudly. Doyoung still stood by the door, making sure Yuta was settled alright.

“Do you think… No nevermind, it’s fine.”

Doyoung hummed.

“What is it ?”

Yuta’s fingers trailed up and down his forearm.

“Do you think Mark would sleep in my bed ? Not, not with me but like, in the other bed. I don’t think I can be on my own in the room.”

Doyoung nodded, fishing his phone out of his pocket and already halfway through writing Taeyong a message.

“Of course, I’ll tell Taeyong to ask him to come up. I’ll wait for him with you.”

He sent off the text before beginning to type up a quick update on Yuta’s state as he had said he would earlier. He had barely hit send that he received an answer saying Mark was on his way. Doyoung smiled lightly at Yuta.

“He’ll be here in a minute.”

Yuta nodded, sighing lightly as he slid under the blanket, laying his head on the pillow. He breathed in deeply, eyes almost watering at the overwhelming scent that was distinctly Taeil. Maybe it was a little gross, but it had been so long since he had gotten the chance to smell it that he didn’t care. It was only ever this intense when they hugged and that hadn’t happened in a while.

They heard the main door beep as it opened quietly, Doyoung peeking his head out into the living room. Mark was just rounding the corner into the main space when Doyoung’s sudden appearance startled him. He looked very sleepy, hair already a mess.

“Oh, hey.”

Doyoung smiled, carefully wrapping him in a hug.

“Yuta’s very vulnerable so be careful with him. Also, don’t get close unless he says you can because it freaks him out. We’ll talk everything out in the morning.”

Mark nodded from where his head was buried in Doyoung’s shoulder.

“Good night, sweetheart, I’ll be with Jaehyun if you need me.”

He then released Mark, who promptly made his way to Yuta’s bed, sending a wave to its owner. Doyoung turned off the lights, murmuring one last farewell before stepping out and closing the door behind himself.

They laid there in the room, silence only broken by the hushed whispers coming from the adjacent bedroom as Doyoung settled in bed. Yuta curled up under the covers, arms cradled against the hollow of his chest.

“I’m sorry.”

A painful pang echoed in Mark’s chest. Voice hoarse, he answered softly.

“You don’t have to be. I’ll always be here for you. The others too, we always will.”

Yuta didn’t add anything. They fell asleep.

The next day, they grouped up to go to the meeting scheduled in emergency. The ride was mostly quiet, Yuta on a single seat with his eyes firmly glued outside. He didn’t dare look at his groupmates. 

During the night, he had woken up twice, one time to puke and one to just stare at the ceiling in cold sweat. He had had to ask for Mark’s help to get to the bathroom. He felt bad for having to wake him up, but he figured that was better than either forcing someone to clean up vomit or waking him by doing it himself for half an hour. At least, his body hadn’t locked up as much when Mark had to support him.

When they finally sat down in the meeting room, Lee Sooman at the end of the table, one of the company’s communications managers and their remaining two managers, the dread in Yuta’s stomach grew larger. He felt awkward, put on the spot without any preparation. His head wanted to hold someone’s hand tightly to ground himself, but his body disagreed. Instead, he just stuck his hands under his thighs to hide their shaking and waited.

Taeyong quickly summarized the situation without going in any detail, Yuta’s face blazing red in shame. He stared down at the table in front of him. He only looked up when his name was called directly.

“Do you want to press charges against him ?”

Yuta had to think about it for a long time but eventually answered with a quiet voice.

“No.”

He couldn’t risk this matter going out to the press, terrified that it would ruin the entire group. He couldn’t do that to them. Maybe it would be better if he just completely left, then they wouldn’t get as much repercussions…

Yuta wasn’t addressed again until they discussed what would happen now. It had been decided that the whole group would get a week off schedules, except for the ones that couldn’t be cancelled. However, Yuta was completely laid off those. He kept his answers short and quiet, heart beating crazily fast in his ribcage. He wished he could tear the attention away from him. How ironic for an idol.

In the end, they settled for a hiatus of an indefinite duration for Yuta in which he would not participate in any promotions or public appearances to give himself time to heal without being overworked. However, he had argued that just staying at home sitting around would do no good if he didn’t have some sort of schedule or routine. Therefore, they agreed to let him join in on group practices as long as he promised to speak up if anything felt wrong.

At Taeyong’s demand, Yuta was also set up with a therapist. Then, they asked him if he had anything more he wanted. By then, he had managed to think and gather his thoughts enough to voice his one request.

“I don’t want to press charges, but I want you to make sure he will never be employed by an entertainment company again.”

He didn’t see it as vengeance towards his abuser, but a way to protect all of the idols that he could try to hurt and manipulate the same way he did Yuta.

“And I’d like to know what groups he was in charge of before us. To see if there are other people that he- if I’m not the only one.”

Yuta couldn’t bring himself to say it. They agreed after a quick discussion between themselves. Then, the plans were summed up, making sure everyone agreed with them, and the meeting finished. 

Yuta’s legs shook as he exited the room, swiftly making his way to the nearest toilets to throw up the little amount of food he had eaten previously. 

Recovery would be long, he thought as he stood back up, if it ever even happened. Would he ever be okay again ?

When Yuta left the bathroom after rinsing his mouth and saw his members, his friends, his brothers waiting for him outside, he knew the answer. Though his body still froze up, they soothed his heart. Yeah, it would take time, but he would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter : [@lacyjunnie](https://twitter.com/lacyjunnie)


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